I have let things slide and I guess this is why I haven’t posted recently.
I guess its because things have just been ticking along.
I see daily progress with him, and he is definitely winning the battle at the moment. I do think it is genuine, a genuine desire to make amends, change and become a better person. He is reaching out to old friends and family; saying yes when it was always no or meh before; actively spotting where his help is needed and stepping in rather than waiting to be asked (and then doing half a job)…and actively listening and acting on stuff I suggest needs to be done or thought about.
Well that is just great I think, especially for him, but what it does to me is flash up a big sign that says…. LOOK WHAT YOU COULD HAVE HAD SARA! 10+ YEARS OF SHIT AND HE COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS ALL ALONG WITH A BIT OF THERAPY?????!!!!!
Of course, it is never that simple…
This is doing my head in a bit though. I am angry, hurt and feel emontionally abused from many years of behaviour. I am bitter and so are some of my family and my friends mostly despise him. He has done so much damage to himself and others.
I have read loads of stuff about this sort of thing and how people heal. Mostly the key is accepting that there is a problem. However, he seems unusual in how much he has embraced the honesty needed, guided by his councillor. I asked him today what was the catalyst for him finally realising the harm he had done and for him to face up to the need for change. He said he finally looked at me and saw the pain he had caused and began to feel the guilt that will never go away….It is starting to feel like I also would benefit from talking to a professional…it might help with the anger and resentment that I (unhelpfully) feel towards the whole thing.
Sara's Narcissus and Other Stories 