Sara's Narcissus and Other Stories

The evening before I wrote my previous blog post, in the morning before the singing incident, I had also done something I never thought I would do….

I started a thread on mumsnet.com which I admit was partly because I just needed to vent how I felt, and yet the first cracks of light had already begun to shine through.

Sat 05-Sep-20 12:19:19

Hi everyone,

I am 56, healthy, have a good job and loving adult children. I have my own home, car and should on paper be fine. However, I woke up recently, and realised that my life was just empty, and completely revolved around the needs of my quiet, undemanding partner. I had not desires, no ability to have fun, nothing to look forward to or interests outside work and home, 1 friend and no intimacy to speak of for 5 years.

I’ve been in a relationship with this man for 15 years. I have had enough experiences, spoken to enough friends and family, read enough stuff to now know that I have been, and continue to be manipulated.

Without a long drawn out series of explanations about what he has subtly done over the years, let’s just say that no-one likes him and it is never his fault for anything. He complains and yet talks about his work constantly, but he is not really interested in mine. He relates stories of his life when things were brilliant, and yet cuts me off when I try to talk about my past. He is always ‘suffering’ somehow, is ill a lot with non-specific (and some clearly true) health issues that disrupt our life, but won’t go to the doctor… he cries at the drop of a hat and is the master of chair sitting.

I finished the relationship last October. He has refused to leave, many excuses. 6 weeks of counselling resulted in “I am a new man, I can change and give you this wonderful life”, over and over again, no matter what I say, or how many times I say leave! please just leave!

So he oh so nicely and tearfully explains that because I am taking his whole life away from him, I should pay him from the house. (It is my house which I owned on a mortgage for 15 years before he moved in.) But, he lived off me for 3 years and since getting a job he paid 350-400 a month, including all food, and his mobile phone until recently.

So, a very long story short, 11 months later he is still here. Due to his nature, he is very quiet and is being oh so nice without actually doing anything to move out.

He is basically asking me to compensate him for our 15 years together, and won’t move out until he has enough money. He has pushed me and I have offered him 15k, but the house needs repairs to a small extension he paid for over 10 years ago (which is what he says is his beneficial interest in the house) and it will wipe me out.

I am still going to be losing the money he pays each month anyway, so taking a loan as well is not really on just to make his life easier. So, I want to back track to 10k. Even my mild-mannered mum thinks I am giving him too much, and the few friends I haven’t been isolated from say I don’t owe him anything.

The guilt trips however have been horrendous. It’s like I have an obligation to him like one of my own kids (who can’t stand him btw and are now grown up and have left home). From what I understand, this emotional response is due to his manipulation over many years, and whilst I intellectually understand it, I am finding it very hard to fight it.

I don’t have a solicitor, and he keeps trying to put me off by saying we can work this out and that he needs a decent home (and I should help him).

I would really appreciate people’s thoughts on my situation.

The responses I received was truly an eye opener…this was one of my favourites, you get the general idea…

How bloody dare he!

Since when has being in a relationship with him cost £2K p.a.?!

Perhaps he should find himself a sugar mummy. Oh wait, he thinks he’s already got one…

Within minutes, the posts were coming thick and fast, supportive, concerned and angry too, with me as much as him. Advice was varied, but the theme was very clear…

Change the locks and put his things outside!

The relationship is over, he needs to leave and as much as he may bleat about money, legally he’s not entitled to anything.

My next significant post…well, actually when I read it now, it says so much about the level of psychological manipulation I was under…and I was still not fully awake at this point…

I so want to say, I withdraw my offer, but I am a bit of a coward cos I know he will end up having a sobbing meltdown and telling me I am ruining his life and I am so cruel.

This seemed to raise the heat for a some posters, and one in particular..hit home…

KNOW that your guilt is his abuse.

Get your adult DC to come over and calmly and peacefully pack his stuff.

Have zero conversations with him. There is no negotiation any longer.

Do not try to explain, defend, justify yourself to him. He hasn’t been listening.

No more words. Just actions.

Get your family and friends to intervene – calmly and peacefully. No more discussions.

They will be delighted to help.

Then get crack open the champagne.

Look up covert narcissist or The Water Torturer. That’s who he is.
No need to raise his voice or fists – his persistent low grade bleating has achieved what he set out to do – cocklodge for 15 years.

I feel suffocated just reading your post.

He’s vile.

I received a lot of advice I was not expecting, including understanding and perspectives making me realise the extent and level of abuse and manipulation I have been living under for so long. I now realise that I must have written the original post in the hope that it would give me a boost, and help me get towards some break or relief in the torturous stalemate…and so within an hour of posting my first message…I posted this…

Sat 05-Sep-20 13:12:59

I agreed with him that he will leave by the end of the month with a chunk of money, but I think he should leave by the end of the month with 0

My daughter said 2 weeks or she won’t speak to him again, to which he said ‘your choice’ (this is a person he says he is devasted to lose).

My son is coming up to see me on Wednesday/Thursday and is intending to have a word too. He considers him to be a cautionary tale for his life lol.

I can’t thank you all enough for your advice and support.

I rang womens aid but I feel like I shouldn’t waste their time what with all those women getting beaten up and such . They havent called me back yet anyway.

Has the worm finally turned?