So much has gone off in the last weeks it is difficult to know where to start it really is…

Ok, lets begin with money as this is actually the easiest part to explain.

Basically he had this idea that if i give him more (unspecified) than I am offering, he will give the kids 10% of the market value of the house when he sells it, and he will make them beneficiaries in his will. He mentioned borrowing off my mum, but come on…it is not up to her to pay him off…cheeky bastard! However, that should have alerted me to the numbers he had in mind.

Anyway, I consulted a bit, and basically decided that it largely depended on how much more he wanted. It also occurred to me that he could give the kids that 10% if he cares so much anyway. Also, he can change his will at any time so that actually means very little.

On Sunday I tried to talk to him about money, and he immediately twisted it into his usual ‘what I can do for you’ speach, which wound me up and it didn’t go well. When I finally did manage to speak to him about it, I found out he expected the same amount as before with this added offer. So, in effect…I pay 30% deposit for a house for him, and he gives the kids 10% back. What a shit deal.

His problem however is simple. He does not earn enough to get a mortgage big enough to get a house and he needs a 30k deposit to do it…from me apparently.

Anyway, I have upped my offer, he said no, I said Solicitors, he said he will think on it, answer tomorrow apparently…

HOWEVER…WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

He is starting to try and build a new narrative, I can hear it…I might be getting paraniod, but its some of the language he is starting to use…I feel he is pushing my buttons to get me to react so he can be the victim again.

I think if he doesn’t agree tomorrow, I am going to call a solicitor, this has gone on far too long.

It’s been an odd day, good and not so good, but I have been in a relatively calm place overall. Back at work today, sat at my laptop looking out the front bedroom window. The neighbours are having a kitchen extension, and I watched this guy skilfully manouveur several huge pallets of breeze blocks and sand onto a small designated area on my neighbours drive. I have to admit I was pretty impressed. Chatted to a few people at work, as ya do, spoke to both my lovely offspring, and generally a decent day.

He came back early though, about 9.30am and pretty much went to bed til about 3pm, so all quiet for the best part.

It seems however that he had been thinking about all this stuff, and he was in bits, all red faced. Asked me if I wanted tea and announced he was going to the shed to ring someone. His counselling has finished so he is on his own again.

Over the course of the evening, we had several conversations. It was really tough on him, because I did not let up. I did not shout, but when he asked me to stop, I simply said “for a day? another 8 months? another 3 years?” nope mate it has to be now, as soon as possible.

I told him several home truths to counter all his bollocks about what he is losing. I did not cause this. 10 years of his refusal to make even a single tiny effort towards change, even when I begged him to at least look for a Monday to Friday job. The fact that we have been here before, when I gave him back my engagement ring and moved into the spare room for 3 months, until I finally relented. That was 5 YEARS AGO… and still not a single effort made. He said he thought it was all sorted, and that I just didn’t want to marry him. I asked him if that was honestly what he thought was bothering me! Really! Just that?!! Ha ha ha ha… sorry… he must be more stupid than I thought… Ah so that’s why he thought he could let all of his improvements towards being a better partner, fade back into his cosy little normality chair. If that is making an effort then, fuck me! I would hate to see him taking it easy… oh wait…

I also told him that this situation being in a repeat pattern since November 2019 is not doing anyone’s mental health any good, least of all his. Surely every few months going through this, must be a living hell.

He needs to stop the cycle and actually move on and out. I explained to him that his behaviour, and refusal to accept my decision, is really damaging to his self-respect and the respect of others. Really though, his hopes of maintaining any kind of relationship/friendship with the people he says he cares most for, i.e. me and my kids is getting less likely, the longer this drifts on.

Look, I get it. Breaking up is hard to do, we all know that, but by dragging this out, it just makes it harder.

However… and this is significant actually, after the home truths discussion, and through the tears, we talked about him actually moving out! I said it had to be done asap. He said he has been looking at houses and narrow boats (which I think would be really cool and something he has been going on about for years) and we should sort out the money.

Now, provided he don’t take the piss… we might get out of this with at least my sanity intact!

Here is a hopeful bunny… which is not real either.

Slightly altered lyrics:

Finished by my woman ’cause she couldn’t help me with my mind.
People think I’m insane, because I am frowning all the time.
All day long I think of things, but nothing seems to satisfy.
Think I’ll lose my mind if I don’t find something to pacify.
Can you help me occupy my brain?

Oh yeah.

I need someone to show me the things in life that I can’t find.
I can’t see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind.
Make a joke, and I will sigh, and you will laugh, and I will cry.
Happiness I cannot feel, and love to me is so unreal.

Well, ok afternoon actually, but… its tears and sadness from him. A complete turn around from his outburst yesterday.

I said, I know you didn’t really mean everything you said yesterday about me being a mean bitch. We need to talk like adults…

Here we are again, it feels like deja vu. After two weeks of him back at work, I thought it was time to bring everything to a head again.

WARNING, THE FOLLOWING HAS LITTLE HUMOUR AND IS MOSTLY A GOOD FUCKING MOAN…ENJOY!

You see I have plans that I have not shared with him. Firstly, I am going away for 3 weeks and I intend to buy a camper van to do it in, and all in the next few weeks with a bit of luck (like finding a suitable camper van I can afford). It occurred to me that visiting the kids down in London would be a lot easier rather than bunking down on that lumpy sofa…Oh…and the dog.

So…I said “We need to talk” he said “Not now, but I bet its not good for me” I said, “fraid not, come and talk to me about it”. Without going into details cos its the usual rah rah rah shit. But, in a nutshell, I am a bad person because I cannot see the improvements he has made after his therapy, and that I should at least try and make the relationship work. I should understand that he was not ‘right’ during all that time (over 10 years) and I can surely see how ‘we’ can have a great future together, etc. (I refer you to my earlier blog posts). So nothing has changed in his head in 8 months except that he is not crying any more.

He gets into this really odd fantasy of me being such a terrible uncaring and selfish person who is throwing all this great stuff away. Then, he says that I have a problem with him being a lorry driver. Well…what a surprise he twisted that one in! I guess it was inevitable that he would though, and to quote one of my offspring, “he sees himself as a working class hero”. Oh don’t he just…the truth is, I always said, “get a Monday to Friday lorry driver job and we can all be happy”…but nah, remember, not a single job application in 8 years. Oh and then we have, its alright for me with my well paid job, blah blah blah. Sorry, but getting a PhD as a single parent and working through 10 years of casualised contracts in HE whilst being the SOLE or main earner throughout was not exactly easy.

Besides, I have never been a snob about what someone does for a living, provided they are content and don’t make everyones life a misery complaining about it. If they are not happy, then I think they should take opportunities to improve their life. A happy lorry driver is a better person than a miserable banker.

We quickly got on to money. He seems to think that because I said many years ago that I would never rip him off, means that I am prepared to rip myself off. He actually said that he should leave with the same standing he had when he came in. i.e House and all furniture, car, harley davidson etc. This means that in effect, he would have lived here all those years for free! Fuck Off!

Also, what he fails to recognise, is that those sort of arrangements are rather dependent on BOTH people pulling their share of the heavy lifting along the way…I guess paying £350 per month for everything, including food and mobile phone for 8 years, with the odd contribution to maintenance here and there is a fair share? Not forgetting the 3 years of nothing, not even dole, the Barking Rabbit Debts I paid, the 2 jobs I had whilst he lay on the sofa…the shit he gave me for taking my kids on holiday…once…sorta thing.

He muttered something about some legal stuff to do with beneficial interest. I checked it out on the Shelter website.

I think he feels he can gain something from me under the bit about Constructive Trust, although I think the kids would not necessarily agree that he gave up his house and career and looked after them whilst I went to work…but that is for another time. Still, I have offered him a settlement, but he thinks that is an insult and wants 4 times as much.

So here we are. I spent all evening from about 9.30pm in my room because I really don’t want to sit in the lounge pretending to watch telly, so I sat on my bed listening to a nice little Sci-Fi Pocast called ‘Star Tripper’ from the clever people at Whisperforge

How long now…ooooh coming on another 6-7 weeks since my last post. The reason is that everything has largely been the same…

He continues to be nice, but I can tell he is starting to look sad again. There has been no counselling for a few weeks now, and I think he misses it because he is back to having no-one to talk to…and I am still not spending any time with him. He is also having trouble with his family. His mum and dad are not ‘coping’ too well (complicated health issues, etc) and his brother has sort of fallen out with him. He skirts over why, but I suspect it is about me.

For all the understanding I portrayed in my last post, the facts remain. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him, but I could be his friend.

You may be thinking, fuck sake! He’s still there??? Yes he is. I said I would not push during lockdown, as I felt getting nasty and kicking him out in the middle of a pandemic…might be just a little bit mean…but…he went back to work this week, and am getting some time to think.

You see, for all this time he has been in the house 24/7 and sleeping in the little room next to mine, which has a thin plasterboard connecting wall (standard 1930’s box room). This means his ‘presence’ is felt even when he is sleeping. And, because the room is so small, obviously he can’t stay in there all day, so he goes into the lounge, watches telly with my mum. Nice. But that means, unless I want to play nicey nicey round the telly…I am stuck in my room…I like it in my room. For years I could never enjoy it, due to his bloody sleep patterns and now…I am perhaps getting a bit too fond of my room…

Today Alexander Boris de Pfeffle Johnson said (in so many puffs and splutters) that lockdown is going to be pretty much over on 4th July…and do you know what?

I would really like to get a dog.

I have let things slide and I guess this is why I haven’t posted recently.

I guess its because things have just been ticking along.

I see daily progress with him, and he is definitely winning the battle at the moment. I do think it is genuine, a genuine desire to make amends, change and become a better person. He is reaching out to old friends and family; saying yes when it was always no or meh before; actively spotting where his help is needed and stepping in rather than waiting to be asked (and then doing half a job)…and actively listening and acting on stuff I suggest needs to be done or thought about.

Well that is just great I think, especially for him, but what it does to me is flash up a big sign that says…. LOOK WHAT YOU COULD HAVE HAD SARA! 10+ YEARS OF SHIT AND HE COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS ALL ALONG WITH A BIT OF THERAPY?????!!!!!

Of course, it is never that simple…

This is doing my head in a bit though. I am angry, hurt and feel emontionally abused from many years of behaviour. I am bitter and so are some of my family and my friends mostly despise him. He has done so much damage to himself and others.

I have read loads of stuff about this sort of thing and how people heal. Mostly the key is accepting that there is a problem. However, he seems unusual in how much he has embraced the honesty needed, guided by his councillor. I asked him today what was the catalyst for him finally realising the harm he had done and for him to face up to the need for change. He said he finally looked at me and saw the pain he had caused and began to feel the guilt that will never go away….It is starting to feel like I also would benefit from talking to a professional…it might help with the anger and resentment that I (unhelpfully) feel towards the whole thing.

There’s been some talking, some understanding and he knows he will need therapy for a long time. Some of this is childhood stuff, some over time, but all of it destructive.

He is very sorry and I believe him, he is a covert narcissist but not 100% (at least not now) and he is no psychopath lol.

He offered his way forward, the therapy, the personal space, the financial investment, the job, taking responsibility, reaching out, to apologise properly, to try to make amends and show who he really is.

The list is long, and it will be a process.

And he/I cannot go through this in the same house. I mean me policing his every move, him scared all the time of the final straw arriving, and that’s just a superficial assessment. So…cos I really don’t want to actually hurt him any more than I already have, and I think he really is ill. I offered to support him to move out so he can work to make these changes in himself.

Let’s say it didn’t go as badly as I expected…I mean, yeah, tears and stuff and back in his room. But, he at least said he is thinking on what I said…and today he seemed in quite a positive mood…time and another conversation will tell.

Either way of course, ain’t now’t happening until the lockdown ends…

It’s still not right. They still seem angry somehow. I’m sure it will pass but it’s ok…I guess.

I feel different…better…despite everything.