Sara's Narcissus and Other Stories

The following few days, I felt a little numb, but relieved. The first thing that was nice was that we could wander around the house, talking, laughing and being ourselves without worrying that he would be asleep, and so we should be quiet.

My first night alone in the house once the kids went home was perfect.

For many years you see, the impact of his shift working was that all the times when people are normally socialising, were the times when he was in bed. Afternoons, evenings etc. So apart from never feeling comfortable about inviting people round, we had also become used to tip-toeing around the house.

The relief of being able to cook pancakes at 2am, just because I fancy some is just….ahhhhh

I think the symbolic act of booking the locksmith was the clincher for my resolve, having the support of people I know only care about my well-being, and taking advice from anyone and everyone, both official and un-official. With all the overwhelming evidence, placed before my eyes, If I had failed to act at this time, I think I would never have got him to leave.

One of my first acts was to put my Campervan (see other page) onto the drive.

I went away for the first time that weekend…it was lovely.

Up at 7, we packed his stuff into boxes and bags. I have to admit there was more than I expected. To move someone out who has lived in one place for 15 years is quite a momentous task in so many ways.

I leave a message for the police so that they are aware.

Anyway, I then tried to ring his parents so I could go and drop off his stuff. I rang periodically for an hour…no reply.

The Locksmith comes and goes…In desperation at about 12.30, I decide to ring his brother, to see if he can take his stuff. I know he is usually back from work around 2ish.

I was not expecting what followed:

“Hi its me, I’m sorry but I am kicking him out and can’t get hold of your parents to drop off his stuff.”

“About bloody time, my wife is with you on this, should have gone months ago. He’s always been lazy, never stood on his own feet or will take responsibility for anything. If he shot someone it would be someone elses fault. I told him he’s not got a leg to stand on, he’s been living off you for 20 years, he’s a fucking cock lodger!”

“His first wife left him cause he was caught red-handed shagging someone at a gig, I was there”

“What? I said…he always told me his wife left him for another man”

“Bullshit, it was him!”

I think that was the moment that the last bit of FOG (Fear, Obligation Guilt) finally dispersed.

About 10 minutes after that call, he returned home early.

There is stuff in the car, bags and boxes everywhere…

There was then a short but testy doorstep moment, with me and the kids telling him to go away, and that
he’s been found out on his lies on one side, and him asking what he’s done and begging to come in for a
cup of tea on the other…at which point I just say “not a chance” and shut the door.

(Now, I really want to unpick this for a mo… I have not had much experience of relationship break-ups and such, and I accept that he was probably in shock, but I think that if I was on the other side of that doorstep, having that conversation, I would probably be pretty upset…visibly.

But with this guy, it was blank, flat, emotionless. I don’t think his face changed in the slightest from any normal day…and the clincher…the request for a cup of tea! He doesn’t really drink tea much, he likes the hit from a strong coffee but that is beside the point. Who would calmly ask for a cup of tea when faced with the fact that my car is full your stuff, and 3 people are telling you to go away.

Staying true to form, he proceeds to hang around the house, wandering around on the drive, going on his phone, and occassionally knocking on the door, verrrry politely.

He tried ringing me (blocked) and messaging me (blocked). We had some lunch, and watched some TV because it was actually quite boring waiting for him to leave.

So, after 1.5 hours, I decided enough was enough, and rang him on my son’s phone. I told him he had 5 minutes to drive away or I would call the police… and yet…he still took it slightly past the wire…I think he finally left at 2.15.

It took 4 trips to his parents to deliver all his stuff. His Dad was not impressed with me and the kids, and
the ex seemed in still be in shock and disbelief. I don’t think he ever expected me to do something so drastic. I feel pity for him, but his in a situation of his own making.

When we got back home I noticed how little impact the removal of his stuff had made. A few empty cupboards, toiletries, clothes, stuff from the loft. The reality of his contribution is pretty stark.

I played battleships with my kids, and my daughter won.

Wednesday 9the September 2020 it was confirmed that both children would be coming by train to arrive at 9pm (after his bedtime) and we are going out for a late meal. He knows my son is coming but not my daughter, so she will sleep with me on Wednesday evening. My mum has offered boxes and encouragement, and my mate is keeping close tabs on me…

The locksmith is booked for 10am tomorrow…

I know everyone’s kids are special, but I am overwhelmed by the way they have both stepped up with such love, compassion and without anger or bitterness, but because they know it is the right thing to do.

I am so proud of them I could burst!

A little later, after a few conversations and a lot of rumination I finally decided that I could take it no longer and I started to plan my escape…

I spoke to my son today. He is usually highly non-confrontational, quiet studious type and yet he offered
to come home from London and help me to move him out. My daughter who is much more fiesty is back
from holiday on Monday and he is sure she will be up for it too (they share a flat).
I have decided to go to a solicitor on Monday and start the legal ball rolling.
I just got home, and he is being soooo nice, making me tea and making small talk. I am doing the grey
wall thing, and am now back up in my bedroom.
I think it is best to not mention my new plan just yet.
I think I got this…I will let you all know what the solicitor says.
Wish me luck guys, cos this is pretty scary…

That evening he was so chirpy and friendly (clearly believing that I was going to finally give in to his demands for money) that he was whistling and singing around the house! He never sings (he sounds like a moose). When I posted this…oh my goodness did that set em off!

I’m just so frustrated for you…………………
You’ve delayed, procrastinated, avoided etc etc for 11 months now……………and you’re still doing
it……………….just because you feel guilty.
But you have nothing to feel guilty about ! Nothing !
You have provided this man with a lovely, comfortable home and lifestyle, maid service, laundry service,
chef and waitress service, personal shopper, therapist, sex partner………………ALL totally FREE for 3 years, then for a measly 300-400 a month after that…………………………..and he has NOT repaid YOU for
all that, has he ?
PLEASE stop letting him get away with taking the piss out of you !

But of course they were completely right and I was getting stronger and more determined by the minute…I realised that to get him out on Monday was not possible and I had to wait for the kids to come home. The problem was that he had found a boat that depended on my money….so I lied to him probably the first time ever…told him I was having trouble raising the money and he would need to wait a bit. That stopped him from putting a deposit down (not that I really thought he intended to). After all that though he still wanted me back….he still has hope that we can turn the relationship round…really?!!!! After all this? He really is not quite right is he?

It was around this time that I began to understand the extent of emotional abuse he has put me through for the last 15 years. As I began to understand what was going on…my memories started to come back a little…

Sun 06-Sep-20 21:49:58

It’s funny actually, the way that this kind of manipulation can make you forget, and distance (or just
not talking to him) can bring things back. For example, the other day we had a discussion about the lack of intimacy (last 5 years, practically none). I said that he never responded to me putting my arm round him, things like that. He responded that I pushed him away…and off I went feeling something was off but at the time I had no quick response to give him.
From what I am starting to understand, this is because, something in this kind of long-term psychological
abuse causes a form of amnesia. Anyway, its been about 4 days, and suddenly I remember why I pushed him away when he tried to be intimate…because, imagine he has been nowhere near you for a good few months, you walk past him and
he grabs your boobs or crotch out of the blue and rubs up you…what would be your reaction?

I explained to him several times that he needed to start slowly, particularly as we had been lacking in this
area for so long…but he then blamed me…see above.
Rinse and repeat.

I spoke to Womens Aid about the situation, and this was their advice:

Mon 07-Sep-20 14:14:13

I should get him out as soon as possible, as he has had plenty of time to leave, and he is blackmailing me
by refusing to leave without money.
I should call the police to advise them of what I am going to do
I should then take my son up on the offer to help me move him out on Thursday.

On Wednesday we are all set and he is none the wiser and still swinging from love bomb to demanding money…

Cyclepath777 Wed 09-Sep-20 00:07:46

Update:
Thanks everyone, things are moving forwards.

Both my kids are coming up by train to arrive at 9pm (after his bedtime) and we are going out for a
late meal. He knows my son is coming but not my daughter, so she will sleep with me on Wednesday
evening.

My mum has offered boxes and encouragement, and my mate is keeping close tabs on me lol
The locksmith is booked for 10am on Thursday.
I had a bit of a conversation with him today, he has noticed my grey walling and asked why. I told
him I didn’t want to talk about it, he asked about the money and I said I was talking to the bank
but he should leave anyway. He just said we had an agreement, to which I answered that I didnt’t
think it was fair…and then he said, well, its not fair to either of us!!!! Oh I forgot to mention
before, he originally demanded 30k and stuck with that for 6 months…

When he got nothing from me, he started to love bomb me…
You are my soul mate, I love you more than anything, I can only talk to you, you are my best
friend, I know that we can sort this out if you only give me a chance, now that I have had therapy
(6 weeks 1 hr phone) I know what i did wrong, please give me a chance to get it right, I don’t
agree with you that it is too late…

…which is the killer statement. Obviously I don’t know my own mind and I am wrong and should just
do what he wants.

And it moved me not one jot…went round my mums for dinner…
Don’t get me wrong though, for this to happen to anyone is horrible, even if they are.

Later on that day, I read many more messages of support and advice, the outrage at the idea that I should basically pay him for the privilege of being with me, was a step too far. The general consensus of opinion was that he was not entitled to a penny out of me.

There were lots of comments to that effect:

Sat 05-Sep-20 13:38:23

Please note that not a single person in your life or on this thread has suggested that he is right or
reasonable.

As others have said, he’s been housed, heated, fed and watered for the paltry sum of £13 a day.
No grown man can live for that.
You have saved him a fortune and subsidised his living for long enough.
You owe him nothing

He’s keeping you on the back foot so that you can’t find enough mental energy to get justifiably angry,
trust me when I say everyone is mad on your behalf.

I think he is actually committing a crime – coercive control / financial abuse?

…and the frustration was coming out in a few contributors

For the love of God woman, don’t give him any money. Give him a deadline and get a solicitor. You owe
him NOTHING!! Can your son ‘help’ him move? Get him out and stop feeling guilty!

ARE YOU MAD…. kick him out today. Make him realise where is bread was buttered x

OMG, pack his stuff, tell him to Fuck Off & change the locks. What’s wrong with you woman?!

I gave it some serious thought over the next few hours I can tell you….

The evening before I wrote my previous blog post, in the morning before the singing incident, I had also done something I never thought I would do….

I started a thread on mumsnet.com which I admit was partly because I just needed to vent how I felt, and yet the first cracks of light had already begun to shine through.

Sat 05-Sep-20 12:19:19

Hi everyone,

I am 56, healthy, have a good job and loving adult children. I have my own home, car and should on paper be fine. However, I woke up recently, and realised that my life was just empty, and completely revolved around the needs of my quiet, undemanding partner. I had not desires, no ability to have fun, nothing to look forward to or interests outside work and home, 1 friend and no intimacy to speak of for 5 years.

I’ve been in a relationship with this man for 15 years. I have had enough experiences, spoken to enough friends and family, read enough stuff to now know that I have been, and continue to be manipulated.

Without a long drawn out series of explanations about what he has subtly done over the years, let’s just say that no-one likes him and it is never his fault for anything. He complains and yet talks about his work constantly, but he is not really interested in mine. He relates stories of his life when things were brilliant, and yet cuts me off when I try to talk about my past. He is always ‘suffering’ somehow, is ill a lot with non-specific (and some clearly true) health issues that disrupt our life, but won’t go to the doctor… he cries at the drop of a hat and is the master of chair sitting.

I finished the relationship last October. He has refused to leave, many excuses. 6 weeks of counselling resulted in “I am a new man, I can change and give you this wonderful life”, over and over again, no matter what I say, or how many times I say leave! please just leave!

So he oh so nicely and tearfully explains that because I am taking his whole life away from him, I should pay him from the house. (It is my house which I owned on a mortgage for 15 years before he moved in.) But, he lived off me for 3 years and since getting a job he paid 350-400 a month, including all food, and his mobile phone until recently.

So, a very long story short, 11 months later he is still here. Due to his nature, he is very quiet and is being oh so nice without actually doing anything to move out.

He is basically asking me to compensate him for our 15 years together, and won’t move out until he has enough money. He has pushed me and I have offered him 15k, but the house needs repairs to a small extension he paid for over 10 years ago (which is what he says is his beneficial interest in the house) and it will wipe me out.

I am still going to be losing the money he pays each month anyway, so taking a loan as well is not really on just to make his life easier. So, I want to back track to 10k. Even my mild-mannered mum thinks I am giving him too much, and the few friends I haven’t been isolated from say I don’t owe him anything.

The guilt trips however have been horrendous. It’s like I have an obligation to him like one of my own kids (who can’t stand him btw and are now grown up and have left home). From what I understand, this emotional response is due to his manipulation over many years, and whilst I intellectually understand it, I am finding it very hard to fight it.

I don’t have a solicitor, and he keeps trying to put me off by saying we can work this out and that he needs a decent home (and I should help him).

I would really appreciate people’s thoughts on my situation.

The responses I received was truly an eye opener…this was one of my favourites, you get the general idea…

How bloody dare he!

Since when has being in a relationship with him cost £2K p.a.?!

Perhaps he should find himself a sugar mummy. Oh wait, he thinks he’s already got one…

Within minutes, the posts were coming thick and fast, supportive, concerned and angry too, with me as much as him. Advice was varied, but the theme was very clear…

Change the locks and put his things outside!

The relationship is over, he needs to leave and as much as he may bleat about money, legally he’s not entitled to anything.

My next significant post…well, actually when I read it now, it says so much about the level of psychological manipulation I was under…and I was still not fully awake at this point…

I so want to say, I withdraw my offer, but I am a bit of a coward cos I know he will end up having a sobbing meltdown and telling me I am ruining his life and I am so cruel.

This seemed to raise the heat for a some posters, and one in particular..hit home…

KNOW that your guilt is his abuse.

Get your adult DC to come over and calmly and peacefully pack his stuff.

Have zero conversations with him. There is no negotiation any longer.

Do not try to explain, defend, justify yourself to him. He hasn’t been listening.

No more words. Just actions.

Get your family and friends to intervene – calmly and peacefully. No more discussions.

They will be delighted to help.

Then get crack open the champagne.

Look up covert narcissist or The Water Torturer. That’s who he is.
No need to raise his voice or fists – his persistent low grade bleating has achieved what he set out to do – cocklodge for 15 years.

I feel suffocated just reading your post.

He’s vile.

I received a lot of advice I was not expecting, including understanding and perspectives making me realise the extent and level of abuse and manipulation I have been living under for so long. I now realise that I must have written the original post in the hope that it would give me a boost, and help me get towards some break or relief in the torturous stalemate…and so within an hour of posting my first message…I posted this…

Sat 05-Sep-20 13:12:59

I agreed with him that he will leave by the end of the month with a chunk of money, but I think he should leave by the end of the month with 0

My daughter said 2 weeks or she won’t speak to him again, to which he said ‘your choice’ (this is a person he says he is devasted to lose).

My son is coming up to see me on Wednesday/Thursday and is intending to have a word too. He considers him to be a cautionary tale for his life lol.

I can’t thank you all enough for your advice and support.

I rang womens aid but I feel like I shouldn’t waste their time what with all those women getting beaten up and such . They havent called me back yet anyway.

Has the worm finally turned?

When you consider that I got home at 7.30 pm and made it quite clear that I did not want to spend time with him, instead of going to bed around 10.30 which is usual for him on a Saturday night (cos he’s tired having gone to work and only had a 3 hour afternoon nap) he stayed up until 12.40am.

Now, he will say he watched a film or somesuch, but it feels like something else…

He is going out…to look at a boat apparently, but still with fucking hope in his heart! I have been cold with him the last week or so, I cannot bring myself to spend time with him. I told him I am having counselling and my eyes opened (not quite true to be honest) to prepare him for the day I call him out for the horrible, selfish manipulator he is.

Who the hell goes about the house singing and whistling and being so happy when their partner is incredibly unhappy and the cause is them? Who? Not anyone who really cares about their partner surely?

Ok, so I thought I would have a read of my earlier posts and it is remarkable how far I have come. The more reading I have done about covert narcissists, and more specifically vulnerable narcissists the more I can see the techniques being used against me. I did the personality test thingy and I came out ENFP-T which basically means that I am a people person, and have a lot of empathy. Also, I am very resilient, and can just get on with things, which I now find is what made me a target.

The evidence is before my eyes in my earlier blog posts. How I so wanted to believe he is actually sorry, or actually wants to improve himself, and yet other behavious actually detailed in these pages, tells me that he does not…he is happy with the arrangement…why else would he walk around the house with a merry whistle or little song, whilst I am holed up in my bedroom because I don’t want to spend the evening with him?

What has happened to me?

Yeah, so mum finally moved into her nice sheltered bungalow in the weekend following my holiday, she actually moved on Saturday afternoon…

…and he basically moved from the small room to the large one that night. Now, I have to admit, my reaction was not exactly logical. I mean the small room is 6×5 and smaller than a cell, how could I not sensibly agree?

But…it felt a little like defeat…I got a bit silly and upset and he was all baffled as to why I wouldn’t think that him moving and getting comfy in the big room would be a problem for me…and he still says my offer is not enough to get him a decent place to live, cos I should not expect him to rent or anything, that’s dead money innit?

The frustration I am feeling at this point…I think it over and if I give in to his demand will he go?

It has been 11 months since I asked him to leave, and he won’t leave without an agreement on the money.

Remeber folks, it is my house, and he has paid (as someone pointed out to me) £13 per day for everything, for years, and yet he still manages to make me feel like I have an obligation and a responsibility to help him to be comfortably set-up for when he leaves…such are the long-term effects of the manipulation techniques of the Covert Narcissist.

From where I left off on my last post, 2 days later I called a solicitor and had a nice long chat. He seemed to think that I had a good case but that I should be cautious not to just change the locks or do anything dumb, he also suggested I try and resolve it, perhaps go to financial mediation etc…

On that note…I went on my own on holiday to lovely Wookey! It gave me plenty of time and space to think and consider what next…Whilst there, the ‘health’ scare was resolved and I had another chat with the solicitor. I resolved to bring it all to another head at the first opportunity.

Anyway, I bet you would love to see some holiday snaps 🙂

And then I came back…and I did not get him a present. And I started the conversation about lawyers etc and offered more money, and he got upset..mainly because I only got him a card and it was his birthday…

Which led to a bit of a guilt trip, cos I could have got him something from my holiday, it would not have been much effort, and it was his birthday.

However (and I stress this was not in my mind at the time and only came to me the other day). I bought him a laptop for his birthday last year. It stayed in the box. For 3 weeks. Unopened. Eventually after much nagging, it was finally switched on and I think it was ready to use properly by some time in October…shows how much he really values the presents I buy, until of course, I don’t.